# Joke of the day



## dfw_pilot

Heard a good one liner? Share it here. I'll go first.

If I could describe myself in three words: Tall, Handsome, Inaccurate.


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## Ware

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fish and five loaves of bread. It was a miracle... or tapas.


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## Ware

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


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## Ware

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.


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## dfw_pilot

:lol:


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## Ware

If _con_ is the opposite of _pro_, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.


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## touchofgrass

Two guys walk into a bar

The other one ducked


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## touchofgrass

Ware said:


> Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.


+1


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## touchofgrass

You are sleeping. You hear the doorbell. It's your in-laws. They want breakfast made right now. You make eggs, bacon and toast. What's the first thing you open?


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## gijoe4500

touchofgrass said:


> You are sleeping. You hear the doorbell. It's your in-laws. They want breakfast made right now. You make eggs, bacon and toast. What's the first thing you open?


Too easy. I've got it, but I'll keep quiet for others.


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## touchofgrass

gijoe4500 said:


> touchofgrass said:
> 
> 
> 
> You are sleeping. You hear the doorbell. It's your in-laws. They want breakfast made right now. You make eggs, bacon and toast. What's the first thing you open?
> 
> 
> 
> Too easy. I've got it, but I'll keep quiet for others.
Click to expand...

haha... if it's too easy, you've heard it before... PM me.


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## Redtenchu

touchofgrass said:


> You are sleeping. You hear the doorbell. It's your in-laws. They want breakfast made right now. You make eggs, bacon and toast. What's the first thing you open?


I open my mind to the idea that it's just a nightmare and I'll wake up soon.


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## touchofgrass

Redtenchu said:


> touchofgrass said:
> 
> 
> 
> You are sleeping. You hear the doorbell. It's your in-laws. They want breakfast made right now. You make eggs, bacon and toast. What's the first thing you open?
> 
> 
> 
> I open my mind to the idea that it's just a nightmare and I'll wake up soon.
Click to expand...

My thoughts exactly if it were my in-laws. Sorry MQ. But no joke, his dad CONSTANTLY asks when the next meal is. As I am making breakfast I hear "so, what's for dinner?" At dinner, if you aren't actively eating, he'll ask if you are done so he can have the rest.. hahaha


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## Redtenchu

I was planning to tell a joke about a pizza, but I won't. It's too cheesy...


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## dfw_pilot

Redtenchu said:


> I was planning to tell a joke about a pizza, but I won't. It's too cheesy...


Just my style! :mrgreen:


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## touchofgrass

Redtenchu said:


> I was planning to tell a joke about a pizza, but I won't. It's too cheesy...


Haha
our boy has one...

Matthew: "wanna hear the corniest joke ever."

TOG: "sure"

Matthew: "ear"

TOG: "um ear who?"

Matthew: "get it?"


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## douglasbb

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.


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## Ware

Music is coming out of the printer - I think the paper is jamming again.


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## Redtenchu

We have this weird thing at work where the food in the fridge has names on them.

Today I had a John.


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## Ware

An Oklahoma family's only son returns home from college. The father asks, "Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"

The son says, "Pi R squared."

The father yells, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pies are round, cornbread are square."


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## Redtenchu

Ware said:


> An Oklahoma family's only son returns home from college. The father asks, "Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"
> 
> The son says, "Pi R squared."
> 
> The father yells, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pies are round, cornbread are square."


I don't get it, when is the punch line?


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## J_nick

Redtenchu said:


> Ware said:
> 
> 
> 
> An Oklahoma family's only son returns home from college. The father asks, "Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"
> 
> The son says, "Pi R squared."
> 
> The father yells, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pies are round, cornbread are square."
> 
> 
> 
> I don't get it, when is the punch line?
Click to expand...

Bahahahaha :lol:


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## dfw_pilot

Trump warned Kim Jong-un about launching a missile. Now there's going to be hell toupee.


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## Redtenchu

It doesn't matter if I know what Armageddon means.

It's not the end of the world...


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## Redtenchu

I now have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dieing. It seemed very important to him that I have it.


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## dfw_pilot

Redtenchu said:


> I now have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dieing. It seemed very important to him that I have it.


Bwahahahaha!


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## Ware

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


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## Ware

What do you call two men on the wall above a window?

Kurt & Rod


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## dfw_pilot

Did you hear about the magician who turned into a corner drugstore?


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## Ware

"Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud."

"Yes sir, its fresh ground."


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## Ware

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poke her face.


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## Redtenchu

What is a Cats favorite song?

"three blind mice"


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## dfw_pilot

In my spare time I'm a dresser. I show up to bachelorette parties naked and women pay me to put my clothes back on. I'm a dresser.


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## Colonel K0rn

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.


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## J_nick

It infuriates me when people don't take the rules of the road seriously. I was driving next to a girl today that was continuously texting on her phone. I about lost it. I was half tempted to roll down the window and throw my beer at her.


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## j4c11

J_nick said:


> It infuriates me when people don't take the rules of the road seriously. I was driving next to a girl today that was continuously texting on her phone. I about lost it. I was half tempted to roll down the window and throw my beer at her.


It's an epidemic here in NC as well. You can spot them out right away because either they're going very slow or they're swerving all over the road.


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## Redtenchu

Everyday, someone unknowingly does the loudest fart in the world for that day.


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## Ware

Saw this on FB Marketplace... anyone in the market for a nice What Behind?


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## j4c11




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## Tex86

The first time I got a universal remote, I thought to myself "This changes everything!"


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## pennstater2005

-Knock Knock 
-Who's there?
-Broken Pencil 
-Broken Pencil Who?
-Never mind, it's pointless

As told by my five year old!


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## Fronta1

Lol these jokes are so bad...which is kind of funny.


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## dfw_pilot

Crazy stat: Six out of four pilots are dyslexic.


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## Colonel K0rn

What do you call a chameleon that can't change its colors?

A reptile dysfunction.


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## dfw_pilot

"I walked home to save bus fare."

"Gee, you could have saved a lot more by not taking a taxi."


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## dfw_pilot

Two of my favorite country music song titles:

_Silence is golden; duct tape is silver._

and

_If your phone doesn't ring, it's me._


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## dfw_pilot

A midget fortune teller escaped prison. The newspaper headline: _"Small Medium At Large"_


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## social port

What do you call a witch's nose?

An eerie canal :lol:

Put a lil' Halloween flavor on that one.


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## dfw_pilot

My wife says I only have two faults: Not listening, and something else.


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## Redtenchu

dfw_pilot said:


> My wife says I only have two faults: Not listening, and something else.


Lololololololol


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## j4c11

"Sen. Rand Paul was assaulted by his neighbor on Friday while mowing his lawn. Police arrested 59-year-old Rene Boucher on Saturday and charged him with misdemeanor fourth-degree assault with a minor injury. The motive at this time remains unclear, but witnesses report Mr. Boucher was yelling incoherently about "blowing clippings in my midnight renovation". No one was able to confirm that Mr. Boucher was in the process of renovating, at midnight or at any other time of the day. "


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## ABC123

j4c11 said:


> "Sen. Rand Paul was assaulted by his neighbor on Friday while mowing his lawn. Police arrested 59-year-old Rene Boucher on Saturday and charged him with misdemeanor fourth-degree assault with a minor injury. The motive at this time remains unclear, but witnesses report Mr. Boucher was yelling incoherently about "blowing clippings in my midnight renovation". No one was able to confirm that Mr. Boucher was in the process of renovating, at midnight or at any other time of the day. "


:lol: they must be making a midnight mono.


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## Colonel K0rn

ABC123 said:


> j4c11 said:
> 
> 
> 
> "Sen. Rand Paul was assaulted by his neighbor on Friday while mowing his lawn. Police arrested 59-year-old Rene Boucher on Saturday and charged him with misdemeanor fourth-degree assault with a minor injury. The motive at this time remains unclear, but witnesses report Mr. Boucher was yelling incoherently about "blowing clippings in my midnight renovation". No one was able to confirm that Mr. Boucher was in the process of renovating, at midnight or at any other time of the day. "
> 
> 
> 
> :lol: they must be making a midnight mono.
Click to expand...

I totally thought this was fake news until I saw it pop up in my news feed.


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## dfw_pilot

_The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was TENSE!_


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## dfw_pilot

A guy walked into a doctors office screaming "I'm a wigwam; I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee." The doctor said, "Calm down, you're too tense."


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## pennstater2005

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants. The bartender asks, "what's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "arrrrr it's driving me nuts!"


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## FRD135i

j4c11 said:


> "Sen. Rand Paul was assaulted by his neighbor on Friday while mowing his lawn. Police arrested 59-year-old Rene Boucher on Saturday and charged him with misdemeanor fourth-degree assault with a minor injury. The motive at this time remains unclear, but witnesses report Mr. Boucher was yelling incoherently about "blowing clippings in my midnight renovation". No one was able to confirm that Mr. Boucher was in the process of renovating, at midnight or at any other time of the day. "


I thought ware or Connor ward had moved next to Rand Paul


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## wardconnor

FRD135i said:


> j4c11 said:
> 
> 
> 
> "Sen. Rand Paul was assaulted by his neighbor on Friday while mowing his lawn. Police arrested 59-year-old Rene Boucher on Saturday and charged him with misdemeanor fourth-degree assault with a minor injury. The motive at this time remains unclear, but witnesses report Mr. Boucher was yelling incoherently about "blowing clippings in my midnight renovation". No one was able to confirm that Mr. Boucher was in the process of renovating, at midnight or at any other time of the day. "
> 
> 
> 
> I thought ware or Connor ward had moved next to Rand Paul
Click to expand...

Yeah that was secretly me....


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## dfw_pilot

I buy all my guns from a guy named "T Rex". He's a small arms dealer.


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## Redtenchu

Did you hear about the guy that was in a car accident and the left side of his body was cut off?

He's all right now...


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## MasterMech

dfw_pilot said:


> I buy all my guns from a guy named "T Rex". He's a small arms dealer.


Just choked on my chips here. :lol:


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## Redtenchu

Why do math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division...


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## llO0DQLE

A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"


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## Ware

llO0DQLE said:


> A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
> 
> A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"


 :rofl:


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## Redtenchu

I ask my North Korean friend how he liked living there, he replied, "I can't complain."


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## Ridgerunner

Redtenchu said:


> I ask my North Korean friend how he liked living there, he replied, "I can't complain."


 :roll:


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## pennstater2005

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent.


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## dfw_pilot

Working in a mirror factory is something I could totally see myself doing!


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## Redtenchu

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said "papers?"

I said "scissors, I win!" and drove away.

I think he wants a rematch, he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.


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## Redtenchu

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months


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## pennstater2005

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life," but John came fifth and won a toaster.


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## dfw_pilot

A mystery we'll never understand: why women ride side saddle instead of men.


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## Ware

3yo Daughter: Daddy do you know the wizard's name?
Me: Andy?
3yo Daughter: No! It's Gargamel!
Me: Oh.


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## Ware

https://youtu.be/83Aq52eR1zs

And because just one is not enough...

https://youtu.be/F4Zxs4Mh3_U

https://youtu.be/eNBUxMcgdls


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## J_nick

It made me happy that by part 2 they had increased the length of cable to let them build up some more speed


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## FRD135i

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=942os4DRsmA

Might as well keep this going


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## Colonel K0rn

Oh man, that last video made me cringe.


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## Redtenchu

I was going to post a joke about time traveling... But you guys didn't like it.


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## dfw_pilot

:laugh:


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## Ware




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## pennstater2005

There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, "Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?" The other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"


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## dfw_pilot

Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler on a car. I woke up exhausted.

Which reminded me of an ancient Chinese proverb: _"Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired."_


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## pennstater2005

dfw_pilot said:


> "Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired."


 :lol:


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## Colonel K0rn

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.

"That's why I'm here."


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## iowa jim

A couple from Iowa went to Las Vegas and where seated next to a couple from New York. They were chatting and the people from New York said they brought $50.000 along to gamble with and shop in the finest stores. The guy from Iowa said that he brought a $20.00 bill and his overhalls and didn't plan on changing ether one.


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## Lawn_newbie

Ware said:


> Music is coming out of the printer - I think the paper is jamming again.


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## dfw_pilot

The Sahara forest, lol.


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## Redtenchu

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says "You must be single."

The man replies "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier replies "Because you're ugly."


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## TN Hawkeye

My 6 year olds favorite:
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
European.


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## TN Hawkeye

My 10 year olds favorite:
How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and put peas all around the opening. When the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.


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## TN Hawkeye

Not sure if this one is too risqué:
A deaf man and a deaf woman are engaged to be married. They haven't lived together or spent the night at each other's house. They are discussing some of the adjustments that living together will take.
Woman- "How are we going to communicate once we're in bed and the lights are off?"
Man- "What do you mean? What would we have to communicate about?"
Woman- "Well, let's say I feel like fooling around. How will I let you know?"
The man thinks about it for a minute.
Man- "Thats something I hadn't thought about. Tell you what, if you feel like fooling around just reach down and tug on my johnson one time and I'll know."
Woman- "What if I don't feel like fooling around?"
Man- "Well then just reach down and tug on my johnson about 85 times and I'll know."


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## llO0DQLE

Redtenchu said:


> A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says "You must be single."
> 
> The man replies "Wow, how did you know that?"
> 
> Cashier replies "Because you're ugly."


LOL awesome.


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## llO0DQLE

Lol only 85 times eh?


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## dfw_pilot

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."


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## dfw_pilot

How do you know when an economist is joking? When he uses a decimal point.


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## TN Hawkeye

A man begins hearing a voice in his head once a day saying "Divorce your wife, sell your house, and fly to Vegas." He ignores it at first but it starts repeating itself every 6 hours. He pushes through but starts hearing it every hour "Divorce your wife, sell your house, and fly to Vegas." He shakes it off but now he is hearing it every 15 minutes "Divorce your wife, sell your house, and fly to Vegas." After 3 months of this he's had enough. He decides that the only was to make it stop is to follow its advice. He divorces his wife, quits his job, sells his house, and boards a flight to Las Vegas.
When the flight lands he hears "Take a cab to Caesar's Palace". He flags down a taxi and exits in front of Caesars Palace.
The voice says "Change all your money to chips and go to the roulette table." He gets $75,000 worth of chips and heads to the roulette table.
He stands there for 20 minutes and hears nothing. As he's about to leave he hears "Bet everything on 
Red 25." He's apprehensive but he places all his chips on Red 25. The dealer checks everyone's bets and spins the wheel. The ball bounces into red 25 and jumps out into Black 6. The voice says "Damn it!"


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## 440mag

Colonel K0rn said:


> An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
> ...
> 
> "That's why I'm here."


Ha-ha-ha, oh man, I read every word of that and, as soon as I laughed I realized I now know how a fish feels when he takes the worm ("I knew I shouldn't have kept going but, I did, anyway!") Ha-ha-ha! :lol:


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## MarkAguglia

440mag said:


> Colonel K0rn said:
> 
> 
> 
> An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
> ...
> 
> "That's why I'm here."
> 
> 
> 
> Ha-ha-ha, oh man, I read every word of that and, as soon as I laughed I realized I now know how a fish feels when he takes the worm ("I knew I shouldn't have kept going but, I did, anyway!") Ha-ha-ha! :lol:
Click to expand...

Why can't I figure this joke out........ :?


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## Anthony Drexler

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and his ships wheel stuck in his pants. He walks up to the bartender, and asks for a rum, and coke. The bartender looks at the pirate, and says, your ships wheel is stuck in your pants. The pirate says, arr, I know it's driving me nuts.


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## NJ-lawn

Guy walks into a bar......notices a huge jar of money sitting on the bar.. says to the bartender what's up with all the money? Bartender says you can win it by doing three things. Drink 20 shots of Jameson whiskey, there's a mean German Shepard out back with a bad tooth, you have to pull it and there's an old lady upstairs who never been laid, you have to finish her off.

Guy says " NO WAY" that's crazy. Has a few drinks and then gets up the nerve ands says "I'm in" and throws money in the jar. The bartender lines up 20 shots......boom boom boom. Does all 20.

Ok the guy says I'm going outside, you hear screaming and thrashing, a dog barking and howling..... guy finally comes inside and says" ok where's the old lady with the bad tooth"!!


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## dfw_pilot




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## dfw_pilot




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## dfw_pilot




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## dfw_pilot




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## dfw_pilot




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## dfw_pilot

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


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## Movingshrub

dfw_pilot said:


> There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Who are the others!?!?


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## dfw_pilot

Movingshrub said:


> Who are the others!?!?


 :lol:


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## dfw_pilot

Let's eat Grandma. Let's eat, Grandma. "Commas save lives."


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## desirous

^ Eat what you love


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## dfw_pilot

When I want to be alone for a while I go to the mall and hold a clipboard.


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## dfw_pilot

Chai means tea, so which genius came up with "tea" tea?


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## TN Hawkeye

dfw_pilot said:


> Chai means tea, so which genius came up with "tea" tea?


One of the best chai tea jokes I've heard (granted there are few) was for a tea company to market their chai tea after college kids writing papers. It was to be called The Essay Chai Tea.

*Say it quickly and you will get it.


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## Suburban Jungle Life

dfw_pilot said:


> Chai means tea, so which genius came up with "tea" tea?


Same with hearing people say "It's deja vu all over again."


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## dfw_pilot

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.


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## pennstater2005

TN Hawkeye said:


> dfw_pilot said:
> 
> 
> 
> Chai means tea, so which genius came up with "tea" tea?
> 
> 
> 
> One of the best chai tea jokes I've heard (granted there are few) was for a tea company to market their chai tea after college kids writing papers. It was to be called The Essay Chai Tea.
> 
> *Say it quickly and you will get it.
Click to expand...

I'm saying it fast and nothing :lol:


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## Ware

@pennstater2005 the ess aych ai tee?


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## dfw_pilot

pennstater2005 said:


> I'm saying it fast and nothing :lol:


C-R-A-P?

Kinda reminds me of how one can speak spanish if they spell 'socks'.


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## pennstater2005

Ware said:


> @pennstater2005 the ess aych ai tee?


I literally just said that aloud at lunch for what felt like ten minutes and finally got it. Hope no one was nearby.


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## Mightyquinn

dfw_pilot said:


> pennstater2005 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm saying it fast and nothing :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> C-R-A-P?
> 
> Kinda reminds me of how one can speak spanish if they spell 'socks'.
Click to expand...

LOL!!!! I was taught that when I was in the Army by a Mexican. It is what it is!!!! :lol:


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## dfw_pilot

If I could only listen to one album for the rest of my life, it would be: A really, really long album.


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## gene_stl

NEWS IN BRIEF
Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks
Yesterday 11:39amSEE MORE: NATIONAL PARK








WASHINGTON-In an effort to curb the skyrocketing mole populations, officials at the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Friday that would release thousands of mallets into national parks. "Introducing mallets into our parks and forest preserves is one of the easiest and most effective ways to keep rising mole populations from damaging our precious ecosystems," said Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, noting that a single North American wood mallet-known for their long handles and distinctive "donk" sound-can smash hundreds of moles per day, causing their dead bodies to immediately descend back into their burrows. "What critics of this plan don't understand is that three to five moles are often emerging from their holes at a time. It's a frankly overwhelming rate for park rangers." Zinke also touted the secondary benefits of adding thousands of potential tickets that could be exchanged for prizes in the American wilderness.

https://www.theonion.com/department-of-interior-to-control-rising-mole-populatio-1831102662

I could use several of these. :lol: :lol:


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## dfw_pilot

Newsflash: Study finds all pet dogs are actually good. They no longer need to be asked if they are good.


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## Ridgerunner

This is a knock knock my three year old great granddaughter pulled on my 94 yo father:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Smell Mipe...

Will be having a talk with my granddaughter.


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## dfw_pilot

I'm not paranoid but everyone thinks I am.


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## dfw_pilot

I was told I had type A blood but it was a Type O.


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## dfw_pilot

Police blotter: Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.


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## TN Hawkeye

Stay with me till the end on this.
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can drink for free if he show him something he's never seen. Bartender says you're on. The guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a foot tall little person in a tuxedo. He sets the guy on the bar and pulls out a tiny piano. The little guy goes to town playing anything anyone requests. After about 20 minutes the bartender says "Man you can drink for free anytime you bring that guy in here. But where did you get him?" The guy explains that he found a lamp on the beach one night. He rubbed it to clean it off and a genie appeared. The bartender says "Can I ask the genie for a wish?" The guy reaches into his bag and hands him the lamp. He rubs it and a genie appears. "WHAT IS YOUR WISH?" The bartender wishes for a million bucks. The genie claps his hands and disappears back into the lamp. Just then the front door flies open and ducks start walking in. The bartender says "Ducks!?! Dude is you genie hard of hearing?" The guy says "I'm not sure. All I know is I didn't wish for a 12" pianist."


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## dfw_pilot

"The top independent website for learning about and sharing information on lawns and gardens. Site includes the Internet's best lawn are forum[sic]" ~ AroundTheYard


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## dfw_pilot

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


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## g-man

dfw_pilot said:


> "The top independent website for learning about and sharing information on lawns and gardens. Site includes the Internet's best lawn are forum[sic]" ~ AroundTheYard


With their updates, all permanent bans got restored. We are all free to log in again and the PM function is not disabled.


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## dfw_pilot

:lol:


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## ctrav

g-man said:


> dfw_pilot said:
> 
> 
> 
> "The top independent website for learning about and sharing information on lawns and gardens. Site includes the Internet's best lawn are forum[sic]" ~ AroundTheYard
> 
> 
> 
> With their updates, all permanent bans got restored. We are all free to log in again and the PM function is not disabled.
Click to expand...

Pass


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## dfw_pilot

Moses to God: "So let me get this straight, the Arabs get the oil and we have to cut off the ends of our what??"


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## dfw_pilot

A transvestite is simply a guy who wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.


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## dfw_pilot

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and can't put it down!


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## dfw_pilot

I stayed up all night last night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


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## dfw_pilot

New Year's resolutions: I still have a week to learn Spanish, the piano, and lose 35 pounds!


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## dfw_pilot

If I could take back one sentence I've ever said: "Go ahead, I dare you to audit me."


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## dfw_pilot

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.


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## dfw_pilot

Remember:

Avoid alliteration. Always.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid cliches like the plague.


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## dfw_pilot

The dog limped into the saloon and yelled, "Who shot my paw?"


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## Austinite

*Riding Reel Mower
*


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## dfw_pilot

:lol:


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## TulsaFan

I am a week late with the cartoon, but I may have accused @Ware of this celebration in another thread...


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## Ware

:lol:


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## Ware

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt1DFYtFCP9/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1fnfk3yfos5jv


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## Austinite

^ LOL. Reminded me of this video...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNiCGZxyjcY


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## dfw_pilot

Airline pilot checking in to the hotel: "Is the porn in my room disabled?"

Clerk: "No, it's regular porn, you sick freak."


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## TN Hawkeye

Spanish magician is doing a show for a packed audience. For his finale he is going to make himself invisible. "On the count of three you will no longer be able to see me. Uno... Dos..." Poof... and he disappeared without a tres.


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## dfw_pilot

If it weren't for blinds, it'd be curtains for all of us.


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## dfw_pilot

Asked by the bellman how he liked the hotel stay, Yogi Berra said, "The towels were so thick I could hardly close my suitcase."


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## ctrav




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## Shootermcgee




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## OhDeere

"My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me after I'm dead." - Some Dead Guy


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## BakerGreenLawnMaker

Redtenchu said:


> Everyday, someone unknowingly does the loudest fart in the world for that day.


And I believe I just had The Loudest fart for the day. It woke both my dogs up on the other side of the house.


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## BakerGreenLawnMaker

dfw_pilot said:


> Crazy stat: Six out of four pilots are dyslexic.


 :lol: :lol: Bless em


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## BakerGreenLawnMaker

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.


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## llO0DQLE

dfw_pilot said:


> Airline pilot checking in to the hotel: "Is the porn in my room disabled?"
> 
> Clerk: "No, it's regular porn, you sick freak."


hahahahahaha


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## dfw_pilot

_"The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee."_


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## dfw_pilot

To everyone here at TLF: it's great to be among friends! Until then, y'all will have to do.


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## ctrav

dfw_pilot said:


> To everyone here at TLF: it's great to be among friends! Until then, y'all will have to do.


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Ware

https://www.instagram.com/p/By7tAExg3FY/?igshid=1h0qhd731rz0l


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## Ortho-Doc

A man breaks out of a mental institution and goes into a bar wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The bartender looks at him and says, I can clearly see your nuts.


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## Ware




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## dfw_pilot

It's illegal to yell "Movie!" in a crowded fire station.


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## FRD135i

If TLF had a music video, &#128514;
https://youtu.be/UNVtM9P-yLM


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## ctrav

FRD135i said:


> If TLF had a music video, 😂


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Ware




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## Olkutty

The Irish Maths test

Irish maths test

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. 
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." 
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy. 
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." 
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."

.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" 
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.." 
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." 
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" 
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. 
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.


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## dfw_pilot

A guy walks into a bar and he hears a voice that says, "You're very handsome today!"

He turns to the bartender and says, "Who said that??"

The bartender says, "The peanuts . . . they're complimentary."


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## dpainter68

I'm thinking about taking up a new sport. It's called quiet tennis.

It's like regular tennis but without all the racquet...


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## Ware

dfw_pilot said:


> A guy walks into a bar and he hears a voice that says, "You're very handsome today!"
> 
> He turns to the bartender and says, "Who said that??"
> 
> The bartender says, "The peanuts . . . they're complimentary."


I heard this on Dan Le Batard (or some other ESPN radio show) today. :lol:


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## dfw_pilot

Rode my unicycle six miles - I was one tired guy.


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## daniel3507

Shout out to everyone wondering what the opposite of in is


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## pennstater2005

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.


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## dfw_pilot

Veggietales: What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


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## dfw_pilot




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## dfw_pilot

Was at the bank this morning and two people came in wearing masks. It was a total panic! Then they said, "This is a robbery!" and we all calmed down.


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## dfw_pilot

Do you know why I don't own bonds anymore?

No, why?

I lost interest.


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## dfw_pilot

I used to hate facial hair. Then it grew on me.


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## TulsaFan

Husband and wife, avid golfers their whole lives, were also very interested in the after-life and specifically if there was golf in the afterlife. So, they agreed whoever was to die first would come back one year later and report to the other on the afterlife.

The man having passed first did contact her through a medium at a seance exactly one year later."It's really very nice here!" he reported to her. "I get up in the morning, enjoy a little sex, have some breakfast, then it's off to the golf course. Home again for lunch, a little more sex before heading back to the golf course until dinner. Then it's a little sex before bed and I'm ready to start the next day!"

The wife, disconcerted at the amount of sex her husband is having in the afterlife without her, takes the high road and asks how his golf game is. The husband replies, "Oh, I didn't come back a human... I'm a rabbit somewhere in New Jersey!"


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## Mocajoe

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo that read " Keep off the grass" Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short not on the patients dressing, which said "Sorry....Had to mow the lawn"


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## ionicatoms

I told my grass about daylight saving time the other day.

She looked me square in the eyes and said, "So you think its okay to get me drunk, ignore me when I'm fertile, talk about my bald spot with strangers on the internet, walk all over me, and cut me down to pieces without a second thought... all the while stealing the light from my life!"

Now deep down, I knew she was right, but instead I told her to "Lighten up, nobody's stolon anything." She hasn't spoken to me since.


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## Jay20nj

What do you call a bear with no teeth???

Gummy bear


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## dfw_pilot

It was said long ago, that a Dog is man's best friend.

Now the wife might speak up and say, "Hey, I thought I was my husband's best friend?"

So, put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car. Drive down to Home Depot and shop for 10-15 minutes, then go back to your car and open the trunk. Now see which one is most happy to see you.


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## TulsaFan

11' Jacobsen Fairway Mower with five reels!


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## dfw_pilot

​
I awoke early to find my daughter really sick on the couch. She said she'd eaten yeast and car wax! When I called urgent care, the nurse said to stay calm. In no time, she'll rise and shine.


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## Ware

https://youtu.be/SQPXGJIN8yQ


----------



## Ware

Do you know the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?

Black eyed peas sing us a song and chickpeas hummus one.


----------



## Ware

https://youtu.be/HBmid2x9DHU


----------



## desirous

My grandmother lived to 98 and she never needed glasses.

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.


----------



## Ware

https://twitter.com/yeoldedad/status/1514630748992540676?s=21


----------



## desirous

How much does a roof cost?

Nothing. It's on the house.


----------



## Jeff_MI84

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, and the podiatrist's office says, "What's the problem?"
The moth says "What's the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don't know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there.
The podiatrist says, "Oh yeah?"
And the moth goes, "Yes. At night, sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that's on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn't such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I'm not feeling good."
And so the doctor says, "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?"
And the moth says, "'Cause the light was on."


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## TulsaFan




----------



## TulsaFan

I just did a Lesco search on Marketplace and found this...



:lol:


----------



## Ware

Did anyone else read to the bottom of the @Reelrollers email last week?


----------



## TulsaFan




----------



## MasterMech

Ware said:


> Did anyone else read to the bottom of the @Reelrollers email last week?


 :lol: Good ole' shock-marketing!


----------



## TulsaFan

Not a joke, but I found this pretty funny.


----------



## ionicatoms

TulsaFan said:


> Not a joke, but I found this pretty funny.


Omg. Some people are addicted to drama.


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## Redtwin

ionicatoms said:


> Omg. Some people are addicted to drama.


I think I would go way overboard on my PPE just to poke fun.


----------



## NJ-lawn

A nun and a priest get caught in a snow storm. They see an empty cabin so they stay there over night. The problem is there’s only one bed. The priest being the gentleman he is, let’s the nun take the bed and he sleeps in he sleeping bag.

They go to bed and as soon as the priest gets zipped into his sleeping bag the nun says, oh father I’m really cold. The priest gets up and gets the nun a blanket. They go back to bed and 5 min later the nun says again, father I’m so cold, it freezing! So again he gets up and gets the nun a 2nd blanket and says hope this helps sister.

So they go back to bed and the priest just drifts off to sleep and yet again the nun yells oh father I’m still very cold!! So this time the priest says to the nun, sister why don’t we act like a married couple just for the night……no one will ever know but us and God. The nun was so desperate she finally says ok. The priest then says ok, go get your own DAMN BLANKET


----------

